Climate change requires updating the roles of the pigs and the Big Bad Wolf, the causes of huffing and puffing, and the faces above the chinny chin chins.

The Downsizing Sow

Once upon a time, there were Three Little Pigs who lived with their mother. 

One day Mother Pig sat them down at the kitchen table.

You’re no longer suckling piglets, she told her litter, with a hard stare. 

‘I still call you my ‘Three Little Pigs’, but the fact is, you’re all fully grown and have paying jobs, of sorts.’

Sorry, said Small Pig. 

Sorry, said Middle Pig.

Sorry, said Big Pig.

The Three Little Pigs then stared down at the kitchen table in silence, avoiding Mother Pig’s gimlet glare, as they knew what was coming.

You put nothing in the trough, she went on, You eat like pigs, make my house look like a sty, and hog the broadband. Since that swine left me, I’ve done my best to support you lot, but I’m old and knackered. I want to downsize to a nice snug bungalow.

Without a word, Small Pig, Middle Pig and Big Pig went up to their bedrooms, and started doing their own research online.

The House of Straw

Small Pig found a website with pictures of houses made from straw bales. 

Hmm! straw bales are thermally massive, but can still be fireproof.

Hmm! if you use clean, dry straw and cover them with breathable lime, they can last for ages.

Hmm! They’re way cheaper than foam cavity insulation, fibreglass, and laminated polyurethane rigid board.

Hmm! Straw bales are sustainable.

The main drawback of straw bales, Small Pig found, is the walls need to be a bit thicker, so Straw Houses need a slightly larger plot of land, or have slightly smaller rooms.

Small Pig drew up some plans, emailed them to the local Planning Department, then went down to the kitchen to show Mother Pig the confirmation of receipt email. 

Look Mum, he said. I’m trying to build my own home from Straw.

Mother Pig nodded in appreciation, and allowed herself to dream of her snug retirement bungalow.

The Planners had never seen an application using straw bale walls. They were afraid of being blamed if they approved the Straw House and it fell down, caught fire, or was blown over.

Weeks later, Small Pig came down to the kitchen again, this time to show Mother Pig the Planning Department’s reply. 

Look Mum, he said. The Planners said No.

Mother Pig went to the fridge and returned with a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. 

Small Pig fetched two wine glasses from the sideboard.

The House of Wood 

Middle Pig found a website with pictures of houses made from round wood:

Hmm! When you saw a round pole into planks or beams, the wood loses half its strength so you need twice as much. 

Hmm! To join two round wood poles together, all you need is a ‘butterpat joint’.

Hmm! Round wood poles are much cheaper than sawn timber. 

Hmm! Round wood is sustainable.

The main drawback of round wood, Middle Pig found, is builders have been using standard lengths of squared-off, sawn timber for so long, hardly any of them know how to make a Wood House with ‘butterpat joints’.

Middle Pig drew up some plans, emailed them to the Planning Department, then went down to the kitchen to show Mother Pig the confirmation of receipt email. 

Look Mum, he said. I’m trying to build my own home from Wood.

Mother Pig nodded in appreciation, and allowed herself to dream of her snug retirement bungalow.

The Planners had never seen a round wood application before. They were afraid of being blamed if they approved the Wood House and it fell down, caught fire, or was blown over.

Weeks later, Middle Pig came down to the kitchen again, this time to show Mother Pig and Small Pig the Planning Department’s reply. 

Look Mum, he said. The Planners said No.

Mother Pig  went to the cupboard and fetched a bottle of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum. 

Middle Pig fetched three shot glasses from the sideboard.

The House of Bricks

Big Pig knew what buildings are usually made from, emailed a few local builders for quotes and soon realised:

Hmm! Tradespigs’ labour costs for builders, carpenters, plumbers and plasterers have all shot up recently.

Hmm! Inflation is pushing prices for imported steel, cement, bricks, timber and tiles up and up. Tariff wars are making imports even more expensive. Prices only ever seem to go up, never down.

Hmm! Global supply chains are becoming increasingly unreliable, creating shortages and delays. 

Hmm! It takes loads of energy to make steel, cement, bricks, and tiles, and more energy to transport them around the world.

Shocked at the quotes, Big Pig emailed the plans to the Planning Department, and went down to the kitchen to show Mother Pig the confirmation of receipt email. 

Look Mum, he said. I’m trying to build my own home from Bricks.

Mother Pig nodded in appreciation, and allowed herself to dream of her snug retirement bungalow.

The Planners waved through Big Pig’s Brick House application. As all the standard building materials were certified and came with warranties, they knew they wouldn’t be blamed if it fell down, caught fire or was blown over.

Days later, Big Pig came down to the kitchen again, and showed Mother Pig, Small Pig and Middle Pig.

Look Mum, he said. The Planners said Yes. 

Mother Pig asked ‘How the hell are you going to get a mortgage to build that, with your minimum wage, zero-hour job?”.

Big Pig shrugged. The Three Little Pigs looked at each other, then stared down at the kitchen table in silence. 

Mother Pig went to the shed and returned with the litre bottle of duty-free absinthe she’d bought before taking the Eurostar home from her last holiday, ten years ago.

Big Pig fetched four large tumblers from the sideboard. 

The Big Bad Wolf

Around this time, a Big, Bad Wolf was appearing more and more often.

He’d terrorise the pigs’ neighbourhood, causing all manner of havoc and destruction.

Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in, The Big Bad Wolf would say.

Not by the hair on our chinny chin chins ,answered the politicians captured by Vested Interests of Big Oil, Oligarchs, Silicon Valley Overlords and Volume Housebuilders.

Their chinny chin chin defiance made zero difference to the Big Bad Wolf. He just kept on doing what Big Bad Wolves do. 

As the Big Bad Wolf began yet another round of huffing and puffing, Mother Pig and the Three Little Pigs huddled around the kitchen table in the crumbling four-bed semi, effing and jeffing. 

I hope that fucking Wolf gives up pronto, said Mother Pig, or we’ll all be well and truly bollixed.

The Big Bad Wolf continued huffing and puffing, indifferent. 

In a lull, Mother Pig said to the the Three Little Pigs.

There’s no more coins for the meter. Nip out and fetch some firewood, you idle slobs, before that bastard Wolf starts huffing and puffing again. 

The Three Little Pigs, eyes darting for danger, rushed to the garden shed. All it contained was a few long-abandoned wooden toys, a rotting wooden ladder, and a broken desk.

Hmm, thought Small Pig, picking up a favourite toy. Don’t suppose I’ll ever be having piglets to pass this on to anyway.

Hmm, thought Middle Pig, collecting the splintered rungs, Don’t suppose I’ll be needing this to get up to our tree pigsty any more, now we’ve burned it. 

Hmm, thought Big Pig, piling the desk legs onto what remained of the desk top. Looks like we’ll have to burn the shed next.

As Mother Pig built the fire, she hung a cauldron of water to boil,

Let’s have a brew to get warm, she said. That bloody Wolf will be back huffin’ and puffin’ soon.

The Three Little Pigs smiled briefly, but knew the boiling water was really to deter the Big Bad Wolf from coming down the chimney. 

The Big Bad Wolf didn’t bother going down the chimney. 

He flooded the place, and Mother Pig doesn’t have any insurance.

THE END

**

Book Club Notes: Who’s The Baddie?

If you’re looking for a moral to this story, you’ll have to find it yourself. 

The Downsizing Sow is more Brothers Grimm or Japanese folk tales, than Disney or Aesop. 

The pigs in this re-telling face life’s complex realities, rather than being porcine morality-tale stereotypes, framing a rule-of-three narrative towards a simple, uplifting, conclusion.

Still, if you’re looking for some ‘lessons learned’, ‘hope bit’ nuggets, or some links to further reading, this section is for you. Think of it as a few Book Club discussion notes.

If, like Mother Pig, you attend the kind of Book Club that favours gossip and drinking over literary criticism, you might even want to consider suggesting The Downsizing Sow. Whatever its literary merits, its topic is accessible to any parent – or child – finding themselves in the same housing dilemma as Mother Pig and the Three Little Pigs. 

Also, The Downsizing Sow is only a thousand words. No need to wade through Anna Karenina or order yet another chick-lit bestseller from Amazon you know you’ll never get around to actually reading. Instead of busking it based on whatever Amazon reviews you dimly recall skimming before you Added it to your Basket, here, for your convenience, are some discussion notes. 

They address the key question of this hard-nosed update to a soft-soap fairy tale.

A toddler could tell you who the Bad Guy is in The Three Little Pigs. 

Who’s the Baddie of The Downsizing Sow?

Here are some thoughts on the main candidates…

Mother Pig

Unless you object strongly to her potty mouth, it’s hard to see Mother Pig as anything other than, at best, the story’s hero, and at worst, its victim.

Staunch matriarch, doing her best under trying circumstances, striving to help her litter build their own lives, Mother Pig delivers tough love while showing a sensitive understanding of her offsprings’ limited options. 

When defeated by The System, Mother Pig comforts her Three Little Pigs with the same self-medicating technique she appears to use to deal with her own disappointments.

You may not like Mother Pig. You may well feel sorry for her.

But it would be harsh to blame her for anything. 

Small Pig

Some might credit Small Pig for thinking outside the Noddy-box. Others might roll their eyes at a naive, doomed attempt to slip something past the Planners. 

Small Pig’s planning application could be dismissed as a patent self-sabotaging ruse, designed to fail and perpetuate the Three Little Pigs’ comfortable, feckless lifestyle, sponging off poor Mother Pig. Consider: 

• Should it have been obvious to Small Pig that the Straw House was doomed to be rejected by the planners? 
• Was there any reasonable expectation the Planners in this day and age would approve a Straw House? 
• If not, what else could Small Pig have done to improve the Straw House’s chances of approval?

Or does The Downsizing Sow provide insufficient evidence for us to conclude whether Small Pig is a sponger or a striver?

Middle Pig

See Small Pig. 

Like the Straw House, the Wood House’s use of unfamiliar round wood instead of standard, C16 and C24 certified timber, could be seen as a transparent performative gesture, made in bad faith knowing full well it would be rejected. 

If so, the Wood House ruse wasn’t even original, merely a knock-off version of Small Pig’s cunning plan to stay at home. Plagiarism would be another strike against Middle Pig, though whether that’s enough to merit Baddie status is another matter.

Otherwise, The Downsizing Sow offers the reader no more evidence for deducing the true intentions of Middle Pig than it does for Small Pig.

Big Pig

What of the eldest, so supposedly wisest and savviest of Mother Pig’s litter? Does Big Pig deserve our opprobrium for going down the conventional route, or our praise for being the only sensible one?

Whether we shower Big Pig with bouquets or rotten tomatoes largely hinges on how ‘sensible’ you consider the Brick House application to have actually been.  

From what Mother Pig tells us, from the moment the local builders sent their eye-watering quotes, Big Pig should have known the Brick House was a non-starter.

Did Big Pig honestly believe that, just for once, prices might plummet? Or a zero-hours boss would magically dispense a massive promotion or huge bonus? Or a winning lottery ticket would solve everything? Pigs, a wag could observe, might fly.

Arguably, Big Pig’s application was even less realistic, and even more doomed to fail than those of Small Pig and Middle Pig. This interpretation paints Big Pig’s Brick House plan as the most cynical and weasley of all the Three Little Pigs efforts to leave home and live independently. 

A more charitable reader might conclude that the worst sin of which you could accuse Big Pig’s bog-standard Brick House application, was irrational optimism. 

But whichever view you take, cynicism or naivety are rarely the defining sins of a proper fairy tale Baddie.

The Big Bad Wolf

In the original telling, the clue was very much in the name.

In the way of moralistic fairy tales, The Three Little Pigs left no doubt that the Big Bad Wolf was the story’s Baddie. Pigs good; Wolves evil.

The Big Bad Wolf’s role in The Downsizing Sow, however, is considerably more ambiguous. 

Times have changed. Just as pigs these days are assessed as having intelligence, emotions and personality comparable to a 4-year-old human, rather than the filthy slob stereotype Mother Pig uses (ironically?) to characterize the Three Little Pigs’ behaviour, wolves Baddie status is also undergoing revision.

Once lamb-snatchers or granny-eaters with what-large-teeth-you-have, wolves are increasingly seen as critical apex predators that shape wildernesses, improving biodiversity via ‘trophic cascade’.

The Downsizing Sow’s re-casting of the Big Bad Wolf reflects this more nuanced modern attitude to our lupine fellow-mammals. More The Jungle Book than Little Red Riding Hood.

No longer moustache-twirling villain, this re-booted Big Bad Wolf appears to have re-generated as Implacable Nature. 

The Big Bad Wolf of The Downsizing Sow resembles the fickle Greek Gods, neither ‘good’ nor ‘evil’, just acting out their god-like natures, indifferent to the consequences for mere mortals.

Or, to put it another way, a synergistic, homeostatic, planetary-level self-regulatory system. Gaia.

In The Downsizing Sow, the cries of the pigs, or fine words of the Vested Interests, are equally ineffective when it comes to deterring the Big Bad Wolf’s huffing and puffing. This BBW no more cares about the consequences of its actions than a greenhouse gas molecule released into the atmosphere. 

Who released it, when, or why, is a matter of the greatest indifference to a carbon dioxide, methane, or sulphur hexafluoride molecule. Like Greek Gods, they’ll just carry on doing their thing up there, while down on Earth governments finger-point, social media warriors bicker, and the poorest drown, burn and shrivel first, whether pigs or humans.

The Big Bad Wolf is no more the Baddie of The Downsizing Sow than the Sun, shining in the sky in the original version, when the Three Little Pigs’s search for building materials is solved by generous souls pushing wheelbarrows full of straw, sticks and bricks.

The Planners

For much of The Downsizing Sow, the Planning Department appears to be the Baddie. 

If you see Mother Pig and her litter as the Good Guys, it’s the Planners who thwart their dreams. Their rejection of Small Pig and Middle Pig’s straw and timber-based attempts to leave home and become independent, could be seen as a double blow. 

Their terse rejection emails, after weeks of suspense, deny both the children their independence (if you believe they sincerely want to leave their bedrooms in the ‘crumbling four-bed semi’), and Mother Pig her well-deserved retirement in her snug bungalow.

But then the Planners greenlight Big Pig’s Brick House application. 

Their approval of the Brick House, using standard materials, throws the Planners’ role as Baddie into confusion. 

By waving Big Pig’s applicaion through in days, the Planners complicate any reader’s attempt to cast them as pencil-pushing bureaucrat Baddies, gratuitously and gleefully rejecting any and all applications. 

Even if you choose to see the Planners as sinners, their Yes to the Brick House makes their sin less obvious, like the Vatican having to retrospectively downgrade their condemnation of Galieo, after thinking about it for 359 years.

Fairy tales need to clearly signpost Baddies because children are yet to develop the capacity for balancing complex, interacting, multi-factorial nuance. Populists know that most of us don’t grow out of this. We all want simple, fairy-tale endings. The problem is we life in a complex, multifaceted world, where the only ‘ending’ is the one we choose for ourselves through our collective action, or inaction.

Like the Pig family, the Planners too can be seen as victims of The System, rather than as its enforcers. 

Which begs the question, in our Hunt-The-Baddie quest, of who or what The System is in The Downsizing Sow?

The Vested Interests

If the unspoken ‘System’ is the real Baddie, the most obvious candidate mentioned in The Downsizing Sow are the ‘Vested Interests’, stroking their chinny chin chins.

Lumping ‘Big Oil, Oligarchs, Silicon Valley Overlords and Volume Housebuilders’ together might appear to comprehensively cast them as The Three-Headed Beasts of Government, Business and Media

‘Below the neck, heads were joined by Money, 

Below the belly, Beast was joined to Beast’.

The problem with this apparently straightforward interpretation is that unlike Beasts, Dragons, Monsters or even Evil Kings, these Vested Interests are all supposed to follow Rules and Regulations.

Just like the Planners are constrained by statutes and guidelines, the governments that make these rules and regulations are elected – or, in autocracies, tolerated – by us.  

Big Oil, oligarchs, Silicon Valley Overlords and volume housebuilders, powerful though they may be, are only as powerful as we allow them to be.

It’s not inevitable, for example, that the Big Five Noddy-Box Builders should dictate Britain’s supply chains, or that they own most of the country’s construction land bank. The UK ranks bottom of Europe’s self-build charts. 

Barely 10% of British homes are self-built, compared to more than 80% in Austria, but Austrian Little Pigs have their own complaints about their local rules and regulations.

The truth is that Austrian, British, Chinese, Ugandan and Venezuelan pigs all have it in their power to change both Rules, and the Rulers. Everywhere is supposed to be ruled by the common pig, so why, one way or another, do we choose to grumble inactively rather than actively insist?

Hang on a moment. 

That would make Mother Pig the Baddie after all…

Ass-umptions

Let’s take a step even further back. What’s the point of assigning Baddie roles to narratives at all?

Why do we find it so important to assign blame? Does identifying one single cause help or hinder fixing a complex problem? 

We’re all quick to mount our high horses and start dispensing blame or credit. It makes us feel powerful, like Greek Gods issuing forth lightning bolts. 

A good finger-pointing session makes us feel better, and reassures us that everyone else is an idiot, but what does it change? 

Those causing greenhouse effects should think twice before casting the first stone. Say, like the See Through Network, you’re a pragmatist who just wants to move ordinary people from climate inaction to action – what’s the shortest, quickest path to measurable carbon reduction?

Finally, before accusing all those other idiots of bias, evil, malice or incompetence, it’s always prudent to check ourselves for unconscious bias – if only to avoid looking stupid in case someone calls us out.

For example, what gender do you think the Three Little Pigs are?  

The Downsizing Sow uses ‘she’ for Mother Pig and ‘he’ for the Big Bad Wolf, but not for Pigs One, Two and Three.  

Did you imagine them as male, or female?  If so, why?

‘Assume’ makes an ‘ass-’ out of ‘-u-’ and ‘-me’. 

Or, as Mother Pig might put it, ‘Assume makes a total arsewipe out of you and me’.

**

If you’re the type of person who’d rather nudge rulers into changing rules, and ordinary people into changing behaviour that would promote carbon drawdown, the See Through Network may be for you. 

It’s composed of  a wide variety of different people with different expertises, experiences and degrees of commitment with the shared Goal of:

Speeding Up Carbon Drawdown By Helping The Inactive Become Active

Email volunteer@seethroughnews.org for details

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