The Drawdown Affair: a regenerative drama in 5 Acts

By SternWriter & W. Ayff

Dramatis Personae

• ALEX:        serious, mid-50s, greying hair, elegantly dressed
• CHARLIE:  sparkling, late 20s, dark hair, fashionably dressed on a limited budget
• BILLY:        wry, mid-50s, balding, not dishevelled, but not exactly hevelled either
• SANDY:     energetic, 40s, bearded, smart casual

ACT 1 

A spacious, tasteful, expensively-decorated living room. 

At the rear, a front door is flanked by two ceiling-high windows looking onto the upper floors of an elegant street. 

Two doors stage left, two more stage right. At centre stage are two large sofas, separated by a coffee table.

On one sofa reclines ALEX: in mid-conversation on a mobile phone. 

We only hear ALEX’s side of the conversation.

ALEX: I feel the same way, Charlie…

But if you don’t mind our age gap, why should I?…

Me too…

‘Soul mates!’ That’s the very phrase!…. 

It’s so wonderful to hear you say you feel the same….

Yes, I’d love to see you again…

Yes, yes, as soon as possible… 

I’m at the flat…

When can you come over?…

[DOORBELL RINGS]

ALEX: Damn, there’s someone at the door… 

One moment, Charlie, I’ll just get rid of them…

ALEX irritably yanks open the front door, revealing CHARLIE, backpack in one hand, mobile phone in the other. 

ALEX freezes, speechless.

CHARLIE: Well, aren’t you going to invite me in?

ALEX and CHARLIE simultaneously end their call, and embrace. 

ALEX: Charlie! How did you?…It doesn’t matter. You’re here!

ALEX and CHARLIE sit next to each other on a sofa, closer than necessary.

ALEX: Charlie, let’s not waste time with polite chitchat. We’re both adults who know what’s going on between us. We both know about the difference in our age and circumstances, and neither of us gives a damn. We’re practical people who know what matters to us and what doesn’t. 

CHARLIE: I came here to say the same things! I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear you say them first!

ALEX: Your decisiveness is one of your most attractive features!

CHARLIE:  It’s Number 3.

ALEX: Pardon?

CHARLIE rummages in the backpack,removes a laminated A4 sheet, hands it to ALEX.

ALEX reads it, excitement turning to stunned silence. 

CHARLIE (pointing to the top of the list):  See, Decisive – number 3. After Analytic and Bold. They’re listed alphabetically, so I’m not saying it’s my Third Best Feature, just one of my Top Ten. 

ALEX remains speechless.

CHARLIE (frowning): Is something wrong? Did I do something wrong?

ALEX’s mouth starts to move, but no noises emerge.

CHARLIE: Should I have ranked them in order? I can if you like.

Still nothing.

CHARLIE: Or is ten too many? I can cut it down to a Top Five and rank them, if you prefer…

ALEX [finally reads title out loud]: Ten Reasons Why Alex and Charlie Should Become An Item. 

CHARLIE: Or is ten not enough?…

ALEX: Charlie, I knew you were a details person, but…

CHARLIE [points to list]: Detail-oriented. Number 4. After Analytic, Bold and Decisive.

ALEX: Before Numbers 5, 6 and 7.

CHARLIE (eyes, to ceiling, recites from memory): Number 6 – Experienced. Number 7 –  Forward-Thinking. Number 8 – Innovative. 

ALEX: How did you know I find these features attractive?

CHARLIE (pointing to list): Keep going. Knowledgeable is number 8.

ALEX (after a long pause): Number 11 must have been Telepathic. 

ALEX disappears through rear door stage right, returns seconds later with another laminated A4 list. 

CHARLIE takes it, mystified. They both scan from one list to the other, as if watching a tennis match, until they burst into laughter and embrace.

ALEX: Alex and Charlie both compile ‘Ten Reasons Why Alex and Charlie…

CHARLIE: …Should Become An Item’. 

ALEX: We both list exactly the same things…

CHARLIE: …in exactly the same order. 

ALEX: We both print them out…

CHARLIE: …using the same font and layout…

ALEX: …and laminate them! 

CHARLIE: We both had exactly…

ALEX: … the same idea…

CHARLIE: …that no one else we know…

ALEX: …would ever have thought of…

ALEX: …which is why Number 7 on both our lists is…

CHARLIE: …Innovativel!

ALEX and CHARLIE embrace again, giddy.

END OF ACT I

ACT II

Same living room. 

ALEX, wearing the same clothes, sits on one sofa, facing BILLY on the other sofa. 

They sip cups of tea from porcelain cups. A matching teapot is on the table between them.

ALEX: It’s so good of you to come over, Billy. 

BILLY: My pleasure! Many thanks for inviting me.

ALEX: I know Ashley said it’s not a problem, but I must confess I still feel a bit cheeky asking for your help when we’ve only just met, especially on such an intimate matter.

BILLY: Please don’t mention it, Alex. Any friend of Ashley’s is a friend of mine. 

ALEX: Ash knows I’m not a Favour-Asking kind of person who usually asks for favours, but said you’d probably understand ‘The Problem’, even if you couldn’t help with ‘The Solution’. 

BILLY: Ash is most kind.

ALEX: Well, yes, but Ash is also a Results kind of person, and has told me how you came up with the Solution too, as least when it came to Ash’s…situation.

BILLY: Well, if I could help Ash, I may be able to help you. People are generally more similar than they are different.

ALEX: But a home visit at such short notice, when we’ve not even discussed your fee, is beyond… 

BILLY: …really, it’s all part of the service, we do it all the time.

ALEX: First things first – one moment please…

ALEX disappears briefly behind the rear stage left door before emerging with a name card.

ALEX (handing over name card): Ashley mentioned your help was gratis, but you’ve known each other a long time. Here’s my card, please send your invoice to this address. My P.A. Lin will arrange payment. No need to discuss the fee.

BILLY glances briefly at ALEX’s name card. 

BILLY puts ALEX’s card in one pocket, before taking a different one from another.

BILLY hands the other card to ALEX, who examines it carefully.

BILLY: That’s a kind offer, but there’s no charge for our services.

ALEX looks at BILLY blankly. Then frowns.. 

BILLY: Don’t worry about it. We get this a lot. Really, we’re just interested in improving everyone’s lives. We get a lot out of it too.

ALEX (still unsure): It just sounds too good to be true.

BILLY: Well, we do have one thing we ask in return.

ALEX: Ah, I thought there must be something. No such thing as a free lunch, right?

BILLY: If you use our services, it will involve giving us certain information related to the matter in hand. Nothing related to money – that’s one of the reasons we don’t charge.

ALEX: I think I’m starting to understand your business model now…You give me a ‘free’ service.

BILLY: Yes.

ALEX: In return I agree to give you my data.

BILLY:  Yes.

ALEX: And then you make your money from selling that data to someone else.

BILLY: No.

ALEX: But…what’s the point of collecting my information in the first place, then?

BILLY: Like I said, we’re only interested in improving peoples’ lives. By making your data public, everyone benefits.

ALEX freezes in place. 

BILLY walks to front of stage, looks directly at the audience/camera.

BILLY (softly): Why else do you think you’re watching this now?

BILLY pauses, scanning the audience. 

After prolonged eye contact, BILLY turns back and resumes position on sofa.

ALEX: That’s fine, I’ve got nothing to hide – I just don’t understand how you get paid.

BILLY: We don’t. We’re just in the happiness business. As someone with lots of money, you’re probably particularly aware that having money is not the same as being happy.

ALEX: True.

BILLY: So why risk mixing the two?

ALEX: Indeed. But how do you pay your bills?

BILLY: We don’t. Other people do.

ALEX: Why?

BILLY: You’d have to ask them. They tell us they like what we do, and it makes them happy to help us make other people happy. 

ALEX looks again at BILLY’s name card, and laughs suddenly.

ALEX: Is that why your job title is ‘Gift Horse Distributor’?

BILLY: Gift Horse Distribution is a much tougher business than most people think. 

ALEX: In my world, everything has its price. No one does anything for nothing.

BILLY says nothing.

ALEX: Look, I’m really not very comfortable about this. If you won’t accept a fee, will you at least permit me to make a donation to your charity?

BILLY: It’s not a charity, and we don’t have a bank account, but thanks for offering.

ALEX stares at BILLY, speechless again. 

BILLY: Look, please don’t give it another thought. We don’t even know if Ash is right in thinking we can help you –  why not tell me exactly what your Problem is? 

ALEX: Right. I’m not sure if anyone can help, actually.

BILLY: So, Alex, what exactly seems to be the trouble?

ALEX lies on one sofa, talks to the ceiling. 

BILLY sits back on the other, legs crossed, head tilted, taking notes, like a cartoon psychoanalyst.

ALEX: A few weeks ago, I met Charlie. Charlie’s wonderful, and just my type. 

BILLY (in full Freud mode, fingertips steepled): ‘Just your type’. Go on.

ALEX: I’m a good judge of character, including mine. I know what I like. I reckon we’ll get on famously and be really good for each other. It’s been a bit of a whirlwind, but we’re ready to, well, get into bed together.

BILLY: So what’s the Problem?

ALEX: That’s the thing. I… can’t put my finger on it exactly. I like to work things out, and I’m usually pretty good at it, but in this case….

BILLY (eyebrows raised, breaking long pause): …’in this case’…?

ALEX: Charlie seems perfect, but there’s something that just seems to be….

BILLY: …’missing’?

ALEX: Yes!  ‘Missing’!  That’s exactly it. 

BILLY: To summarise.

You, Alex, know what you want.

You, Alex, being a sound judge of character, believe Charlie has almost all of it, but not quite everything.

You, Alex, being a cautious person doing your due diligence, want to ‘put your finger’ on this missing thing before jumping into a relationship.

ALEX: That’s exactly it.

BILLY: This is perfectly normal. Now, when it comes to this missing link, can you be a bit more specific? 

ALEX: Specific…

BILLY: A little more… analytic?

ALEX:  Analytic…analytic…Analytic!  

ALEX leaps from the sofa and rushes to the rear stage left door, disappearing briefly before emerging with the two laminated lists.

ALEX presents them to BILLY without comment, and sits down, observing BILLY’s reaction with trepidation. 

BILLY holds the two laminated lists up to eye level. 

BILLY: Well, on the face of it, you could hardly be better matched.

ALEX (slumps back down on the sofa): I know, the list thing is a bit weird, but it shows how compatible we should be.  But can you see anything there that looks a bit…’off’…?

BILLY examines the lists again. 

BILLY: Yes.

ALEX: What do you mean, ‘Yes’?

BILLY: Item 10. I can see why Charlie included it, but I’d be very surprised if Charlie actually has it. 

ALEX:  But…surely, even if it’s not 100%…

BILLY says nothing. ALEX picks up the lists, checks them, then slowly places them back on the coffee table.

ALEX: I see what you mean.

BILLY: Item 10 is not the kind of thing that’s worth half-having. 

ALEX:  Of course. I feel such a fool for not seeing it myself. It seems so obvious now you point it out.  

BILLY: I hope you’re not too disappointed. If it’s any comfort, you wouldn’t be the first. Item 10 is much less common than people seem to think.

ALEX (slumping down on a sofa): How could Charlie have had Item 10? How could someone with Charlie’s resources possibly acquire Item 10? 

BILLY: Actually, even if you have a fortune, which Charlie definitely doesn’t, Item 10 isn’t the thing money can buy. It’s more of a storytelling kind of thing.

ALEX (now in despair): You’re right. Of course. Stupid stupid stupid.

Long pause.

BILLY: We’ve got Item 10. We could give it to Charlie, if you like.

ALEX: Really, you have it?

BILLY: Loads of it. It’s what we do.

ALEX (suspicious again): And you’d give it away to Charlie for free?

BILLY: Naturally.

ALEX (briefly hopeful, then suddenly dejected): Oh…I see what you’re saying. You give Item 10 to Charlie for nothing, saving her face by making it look like it’s coming from you, but I end up paying for it after all. That’s clever, and subtle, and diplomatic, and  I really appreciate your offer…but it won’t work for me. It’s not the money – I’m sure I could afford it many times over –  I’m just not a Pretending kind of person. Even if I weren’t, given the difference in our financial resources, let alone age, it’s particularly important that money isn’t an issue between Charlie and me.

BILLY: Who mentioned money? We’d just give Charlie as much Item 10 as is necessary. Didn’t Ashley mention that’s what we do? 

ALEX (still slightly incredulous, but with growing hope): You’d do that?  

BILLY: We just want to make the world a better place.

ALEX: Charlie’s so wonderful. If you can make this relationship work, I’ll be forever in your debt!  

ALEX and BILLY embrace.

END of ACT II

ACT III

Same living room. 

BILLY sits on one of the living room sofas, alone. 

BILLY removes a handwritten letter from a large envelope on the coffee table, reads it carefully, replaces it, pulls out another letter, repeats this process until we hear the muffled sound of a mobile phone ringtone. 

BILLY pulls the phone from a pocket and answers.

We only hear BILLY’s side of the conversation.

BILLY: Sandy! How’s tricks?…

Uhuh…

Sounds intriguing! Tell me all about it next time – where are you now?

Really, I’m in town too!…

No, a rather more upmarket place altogether, thank you very much. I’m in a rather beautiful flat belonging to a new client called Alex. Where are you right now?…

How posh?…

You’re not going to believe this, but you’re literally across the road!… 

BILLY walks to one of the windows by the front door. 

BILLY: Yes, I do mean the fancy apartment block with the concierge who looks like an ex-heavyweight boxer with a long but unsuccessful career… 

BILLY waves extravagantly.

BILLY: See someone waving like a lunatic?…

Keep going…further up – top floor…

No, I’ve not broken and entered. Alex is a friend of a friend…

He’s just rushed out to fetch someone urgently. I’m kicking my heels waiting for them to return…

Yes, the usual relationship business… 

Yes, yes. Item 10, same as usual…

No idea – Alex said it would probably take  2 or three hours at least, but I’m waiting to find out…

Why not?  Alex gave me the run of the place. So long as you promise not to nick the silver….

Sure, see you in a minute, but you’ll have to charm your way past the boxer in the uniform… Flat 10…

Bye!

BILLY hangs up, resumes carefully reading the letters, until the doorbell rings. 

BILLY walks to the front door and opens it to reveal SANDY. 

SANDY enters, making a low whistle of appreciation at the splendour. 

BILLY: I know. You’d not be incorrect to deduce that our absent host Alex is not short of a penny.

SANDY: Yet lacking in love. 

SANDY and BILLY sit down at the sofas.

SANDY: What’s the scoop this time?

BILLY: Basically the usual story, I think, the same as yours, the same as everybody who’s ever sought our help. But Alex and Charlie’s story has an unusual twist 

SANDY: Alex and Charlie, sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G….Tell me all about them and their twist.

BILLY: I can do better than tell you. They can tell you directly.

BILLY holds up the two laminated A4 lists at Sandy’s eye level.  

SANDY examines them, and shrugs.

BILLY: Let me explain. Charlie and Alex, independently, and spontaneously, without one suggesting it to the other, both had the same idea of drawing up their own lists of what they reckon they have, what they look for in a partner. 

SANDY’s eyes swivel between the lists.

SANDY’s eyes widen.

SANDY gives another low whistle, this time of disbelief.

SANDY:  Same Items. Same Order.

BILLY: Even the same font and layout. And they both laminated them. But that’s not all. Wanna see Alex and Charlie’s love letters?

BILLY pushes the large envelope containing the letters to SANDY.

SANDY hesitantly pulls one out, glances at BILLY for approval.

BILLY: Go ahead, I’m sure Alex won’t mind. In fact, I’d value your opinion on a certain matter, which may or may be obvious to you once you’ve read through all that. 

SANDY, briefly and unconvincingly, looks shocked, then greedily grabs the envelope and starts eagerly scanning the letters inside. 

BILLY (settling back): Check what Charlie says in those letters against the lists. See if you can spot what I’m talking about.

BILLY watches as SANDY gets to work, reading the letters and glancing from time to time at the laminated lists. SANDY suddenly stops and looks up at BILLY

SANDY: It’s Item 10, isn’t it? The same thing you gave me. Charlie doesn’t have it either, right?

BILLY:  Indeed. Definitely not.

SANDY: You’re going to give some to Charlie too?

BILLY: Of course. As you know, we’ve got loads of Item 10. 

SANDY puts the letters down on the table, mimes raising a glass for a toast.

SANDY: Well, here’s to another happy ending. Long may Alex and Charlie thrive and prosper together.

BILLY picks the letters up and hands them back to SANDY.

BILLY: Ah. Maybe. Keep reading.

SANDY looks puzzled, resumes perusing the letters with greater intent, suddenly stops, slowly puts the letters down.

SANDY: Now I see why you were so interested in me having a look. It’s not as obvious as Item 10, but as something of an Item 9 specialist, it rather jumps out. 

BILLY: Charlie doesn’t have Item 9 either, right?

SANDY: Nope. It’s well-concealed, but there’s no way Charlie could have Item 9. 

BILLY: I thought not. And Item 9 doesn’t come cheap, and Charlie has no money. 

SANDY: Does Alex know?

BILLY: Not yet. Right now, Alex thinks Charlie’s only missing Item 10.

SANDY: And is right now out there seeking Charlie in order to pass on the good news that you’re going to provide it for free.

BILLY: I guess so, but do you see my dilemma now? Now you’ve confirmed my suspicion about Item 9, I feel obliged to inform Alex.

SANDY: It would rather undermine your credibility if you didn’t. How do you think they’ll react?

BILLY: I don’t know either of them particularly well, so I’m guessing. 

SANDY: Is Alex a Forgiving kind of person? We’re all guilty of over-promising.

BILLY: I’ve never met Charlie but guessing from Alex’s reaction to the Item 10 thing, I don’t think that’s the problem. Alex didn’t even ask whether I thought Charlie was aware of the Item 10 deficit. 

SANDY: In that case, what’s another item between friends, or lovers?

BILLY: That’s the thing. Alex is a Practical kind of person. Just look at Items 1 to 8: Analytic, Bold, Decisive, Detail-oriented, Experienced, Forward-Thinking, Innovative, Knowledgeable… 

SANDY: I see what you mean. Even if Alex can forgive Charlie for not being aware Charlie can’t deliver on Items 9 and 10, Alex still requires them in a partner.

BILLY: I think that’s pretty self-evident. Maybe Charlie can somehow acquire at least some Item 9 before Alex realises all this.

SANDY: Sorry, that won’t work.

BILLY: Why not?

SANDY: I know more about Item 9 than you. It’s the kind of thing you can think you have when you don’t yet need it, but once you’ve realised you do, it’s too late to start trying to find it.

BILLY: So the longer the delay before Alex finds out, the more it will look like a deception… 

SANDY (deflated): I’m afraid so. You’ve done your best, without Item 9, even a lifetime supply of Item 10 can’t help Alex and Charlie get it on.

Curtain falls as SANDY and BILLY, slumped on the sofas, look around ALEX’s luxurious apartment, this time not in wonder, but shaking their heads in despair.

END of ACT III

ACT IV

Same living room. 

BILLY and SANDY lie slumped on the sofa in the same attitudes of despair in which we left them at the end of Act III. 

SANDY suddenly sits bolt upright, beaming broadly.

SANDY (cheerfully): Nope, not a hope in hell. Without Item 9 Alex and Charlie’s beautiful partnership will wither before it has a chance to even germinate.

BILLY doesn’t look up.  

SANDY continues to grin.  

SANDY: Unless…

BILLY remains slumped.

BILLY: Unless what?

SANDY (singsong): Unless Charlie somehow acquires Item 9, as well as all that Item 10 you were going to give her… 

BILLY finally looks up.

BILLY: But where’s Charlie going to get any Item 9 from? It costs a bomb.

SANDY: As I well know.

BILLY: Exactly. There’s no way Charlie can afford it. I’m pretty sure Alex would pay for it if he knew Charlie didn’t have it, but things always get very complicated when you start bringing money into it.

SANDY: Why does Alex need to get involved?  So long as Charlie gets Item 9 before Alex needs it, all’s well, right?

BILLY: True, but that doesn’t answer the question of where the Item 9 is going to come from.

SANDY: It will come from me. I’ve got loads.

BILLY stares at SANDY and shakes his head in disbelief. 

BILLY: But you depend on it! Your living depends on it. It’s a nice thought, but why would you give it away to a total stranger for nothing?!

SANDY: I won’t.

BILLY shakes his head again, this time in bafflement. 

SANDY uses the teacups, milk jug and sugar bowl on the coffee table to represent people as they’re mentioned.

SANDY: I’ll give it away, but not to a total stranger, and not for nothing. I’ll give Item 9 to you, and you can give it to Charlie, so Charlie can give it to Alex, along with your gift of Item 10. Bish bosh. Everyone’s happy.

In an elaborate mime, BILLY replicates the transaction using the tea set items. 

SANDY nods along with each move. 

After BILLY’s final move, SANDY bursts into applause.

BILLY: That would work! But Sandy, can you really afford to give Item 9 away?

SANDY: I have plenty, but it’s useless to me without the Item 10 you gave me for free. I know exactly how Charlie feels – I was in the same fix before I met you. 

BILLY: Yes, but you need to make a living…

SANDY: You don’t have a monopoly on gift horse distribution, you know. If it helps you, you’re welcome to pass all the Item 9 on to whoever you want who may need it, Charlie included.

BILLY: That’s so…generous!

SANDY: I resent your accusation of generosity. I’m acting out of self-interest. If Alex and Charlie get on, they’ll be wanting plenty of other stuff from me that I’m more than happy to charge for. They’ll now know me to be a reliable purveyor of top quality items. They’d be in my debt. Take as much Item 9 as you want, gratis.  It’s smart business, not a favour.

BILLY: But would that work with these two…?

BILLY picks up one of the laminated lists and studies it intensely.

BILLY: I think it could.. Just look at this list! Alex is nothing if not pragmatic. Why should a Practical kind of person give a hoot about how Charlie acquires any of the items on the list?

SANDY picks up the other list, and points triumphantly at one of the items.

SANDY: If Alex finds out how Charlie acquired Items 9 and 10, it will only prove Charlie has Item 7 in spades. Look! – Resourcefulness.

BILLY (quietly): Win-win-win-win. 

BILLY picks up the props from the coffee table.

BILLY:  Charlie gets Item 10 from me, and Item 9 from you, so Charlie’s happy. 

SANDY grabs another prop.

SANDY: So Charlie can now get together with Alex, so Alex is happy too. 

BILLY: I get to see Alex and Charlie happy together, so I’m happy. 

SANDY: I got Item 10 from you, so I’m happy. 

BILLY:  And giving Item 9 to me to give Charlie may make you even happier!

SANDY: What could possibly go wrong?

BILLY: It all seems too good to be true.

SANDY: Peckish?

BILLY: Starving.

SANDY: Pub?

BILLY picks up keys from the coffee table, and BILLY and SANDY leave through the front door.

END OF ACT IV

ACT V

Same living room. 

ALEX sits alone on the sofa, speaking into a mobile phone.

We only hear ALEX’s side of the conversation.

ALEX: I know, Charlie, just give me a little more time…

I just need to get this cleared before we can move ahead…

As soon as I know, you’ll be the first to know, believe me…

Sound of approaching footsteps, distant voices.

ALEX: Charlie, that’s probably Billy at the door now. It sounds like Billy’s friend Sandy – the one we just spoke about – may still be here too.

Sound of a key in the lock of the front door.

BILLY and SANDY enter.

ALEX: Billy!

BILLY: Alex! Meet Sandy!

SANDY: Hi Alex, nice to meet you.

BILLY (looking round): Where’s Charlie?

ALEX: Charlie’s not here. 

SANDY: But Billy told me you’d just gone to fetch Charlie to meet us to sort all this out?

ALEX: No.

SANDY looks enquiringly at at BILLY

BILLY: No? I must say, when you gave me the keys to the flat, you also very much gave me the impression you’d gone to find Charlie…though now I think of it, you didn’t actually spell that out, did you?

ALEX (guiltily): Well, I may have given that impression…

BILLY: Woah, woah, woah. If you didn’t go to find Charlie, what did you do?

SANDY: Yes, and why were you in such a rush?

ALEX: OK. I owe you an explanation. Shall we sit?

ALEX sits on one sofa. 

BILLY and SANDY sit opposite. 

SANDY looks suspicious. 

BILLY looks baffled.

ALEX: I didn’t go to meet Charlie. I went…to ask my mother’s permission.

BILLY and SANDY are astonished.

[Because The Drawdown Affair is based on true events, unfolding in real time, we don’t yet know What Happens Next.

To Be Continued as soon as the authors hear what ‘Alex’s Mother’ said.]